Random musings of a Rock Goddess











This blog entry may cost me friends…and I don’t care.

I am tired…very tired. I am tired of seeing this country slowly reverting to where we were back in the 60’s. I am sick of feeling like I am watching a nightmare unfold. I am tired of people who have not had to be subjected to overt or covert racism to tell me and everyone else who has to not react when faced with it, and to not get upset about it.

The climate has changed…we have someone in the highest position in the land giving what is essence permission to people who feel that it is okay to express their racist views without any consequence. These were the people that once upon a time who were shunned, dismissed and shamed for expressing these views publicly. Now, they are on television. People need to get the image out of their head of what they perceive a racist to be. The stereotype is of someone who is backward, uneducated, and unsophisticated living in a rural area. Some are, but the largest around are those that live among us: the respectable businessman, the Mom in the PTA that is at the bake sale with you, your neighbor next door. Does the past statement make me seem paranoid? LOOK AROUND! You see it each night on the news when the reporters speak to the “Average Joe/Jane” on the street for a response to the topic they are reporting on. You would see these people on the street and wouldn’t think twice about them. They wouldn’t fit your stereotype. They seem like upright citizens, unassuming but the moment they open their mouths…their true feelings leak out.

Everyone brings up saying that all the racial rhetoric started from President Obama. It came up because the racists came out of hiding. They were not prepared for him to ACTUALLY get elected…it never entered their brain that it would or could occur. The division came because a good chunk of people couldn’t wrap their heads around the fact that there was an articulate Black man who defied every stereotype by having an intact family, who managed to get elected to the highest office in the land. To those people whose deep insecurities who were either uneducated our undereducated it was wrecking their brains and it an affront to them that there was someone who shattered the stereotype that they had been fed all their miserable lives. They couldn’t find something outwardly to criticize, so the whole “Birther” movement started (which the current person in office was a part of) and I could go on and on but what is the point? You narrow minded, closed minded people have you’re hero to cling to…someone who can and has pandered to the lowest common denominator and feed into the deep seeded resentment present in those who feel that that they have been left behind. Most people of color have been taught that education is the key to our future success because have always prove that we are just as good if not better than those around us. You got to see someone who took that to heart and ascended to become President of the United States.

Now, before you think that I am just spouting the same old partisan line, I agree that there was a lot that could and that should have been done by the previous administration, especially when the party was in control of both the House and Senate. A lot of the policies were flawed, but at no time did I ever feel that there was an intentional move to divide the country not only on partisan lines, but on racial lines. There should be no one afraid to leave their homes, or walk in the store, or drive a car or shop in a store without being followed or outright ignored. When you have someone who is deliberately fanning the flames of intolerance either intentionally or unintentionally and is either oblivious or indifferent, they do not need to be in charge of the country.

In times of crisis, we are supposed to look to our leaders whether they can actually do something about the situation or not, and draw us all closer as a nation, not push the people away that aren’t like you. Instead of treating the Presidency like one great big campaign rally where you constantly have an absurd need to keep you ego inflated by rallying your troops every time the shit gets too deep, how about working on something that takes more than Twitter to get across? People are going to hurt your feelings and not always like you, SUCK IT UP AND FUCKING LEAD! My giving you the benefit of the doubt and hoping that you will behave Presidential is GONE.

There are areas of this country where unemployment is high, where people lack access to basic needs that deserve more attention and action , but to pit us against each other as opposed to doing something tangible other than grandstanding is not beneficial to us at all.

I know not everyone who voted for our current occupant of the office are not racist. You got bamboozled by a showman. Someone who sold you a false bill of good playing upon your desire for a change from business as usual in Washington. I feel for you. What you can do now is try and become an agent for change.

So…to those who support our current occupant in the Oval Office and have the Supremacist view of the world, or those that despite seeing who you have really elected and still continue to support him regardless, keep your prejudices, cling to the leader that fuels your belief system…I don’t have to. I hope to aspire to look to someone better and it isn’t the current occupant of the office.

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I rarely get political, I try to stay in my own lane and let the world and those who inhabit in it the freedom from judgement by them trying to live their lives in the manner in which they choose. Do I have my opinions on some of them? Of course I do, ALL human beings have judgments and opinions about their fellow denizens that walk the earth. We see it daily in magazines, on the news, on the radio, etc…with social media everything and everyone has the capability to express their views and opinions…and for once, I am going to take advantage of that. Whether or not my friend count remains as it is on Facebook when I am done writing this opus, remains to be seen…

I am seen as invisible.people seem to forget that I am a Black Female in America. How am I invisible? Thanks for asking! I first noticed it after the election of our current president. It went beyond someone being disappointed that their party did not prevail, there were some of my friends who started letting their real feelings creep out whether they intended to or not. It boiled down to this: Who let this Harvard educated, uppity Negro in office and who told him that he was qualified to hold this office? My world is ending!! I understand that Barack Obama’s election to the highest office had shaken a lot of people up, after all the United States had been governed by old White men since George Washington and that change is hard…but it was inevitable. I guess he should have been satisfied by having the ability to attend Harvard and not get lynched in the process. The biggest thing that I have seen in the 8 years that he has served that “He is the WORST President EVER!” or “He is the most RACIAL President EVER! He has divided the country!” Have you ever thought that perhaps holding the notion that he wasn’t qualified because he is a Black man and hanging on to your prejudices along with trying to deal with an obstructionist Congress/House who had made up their minds the moment that he was elected that they were set to make sure that he failed at everything before he even stepped foot in the office may have had something to do with his failure/success rate? As to how he has divided the country…it comes down to those people who have had issue that they have been left behind, that the world is changing faster than they would like and by their Facebook posts that I see, btw…their true feelings have come to the surface. Now, I get the statement sometime- “Oh, you are not like THEM-you are different!” especially when I call someone out on what they have said/posted which isn’t very often. If I actually responded or paid attention to half of the things  said in regard to their political affiliation-I would lose at least a third of my friends right now (who knows, I still might). Now how am I different? Because I don’t go running around like Angela Davis actively protesting in the street? Is it because I articulate well? Is it because I don’t participate in stereotypical behavior assigned to people of color? Is it because I love Heavy Metal? Is it because of my choice of romantic partners? All of which are bullshit reasons to feel that anyone can feel free to not self censor themselves and  just blurt out whatever racially offensive thought and pretend that I am oblivious to it all. I am not invisible people…get a clue!

This brings us to now: We are on the precipse of the world going to Hell in a handbasket. When a xenophobic, openly racist, fearmonger stands the chance of holding the highest office in the land is frightening. This is the result of them being able to tap into a palpable fear that is permeating the country today. You have those people who are nostalgia voters-those who long for the days when Ozzie and Harriet ruled the airwaves,women stayed at home, Gay people stayed in the closet, and Black folks were happy staying in Separate but Equal communities…but was it really?

Now I do understand that NAFTA took away a lot of jobs especially in the Midwest and that a lot of people are hurting. I understand that the Middle Class is slowly being eroded away and there is nothing being offered immediately to fix it is frustrating. I understand that not everyone has the same educational choices, I understand and can even agree the people that we elected to be our voices and our advocates in Washington have been bought and sold by major corporations and honestly aren’t doing their jobs and that something needs to be done about it, but is turning on each other the answer?? Is appealing to  fears that lie in those that are uneducated, jaded and have no other world view outside of what is said on the internet, in social media and are being fed to them by various media outlets that cater to their view? Really? We as a people are better than that.

Racial tensions in this country are at new high…it feels like we are reversing course as opposed to moving forward. It is sad really. But what do we do? Where do we start? We start with ourselves. Owning up to our biases, even if it uncomfortable doing so and starting the change within. Once we can do that, we can move out to the populace at large. Being invisible is not a good thing, standing by and watching the world burn is not a good thing, taking action is. It doesn’t mean to go out and start shooting innocent people be it policemen/policewomen or someone in their car trying to pull out their identification as asked. It isn’t burning down your communities in a fit of rage leaving those who remain in that communities without resources. It isn’t being afraid of your neighbors no matter what political pundit or media talking head says.

I can’t control how you live your lives, I can just control mine, but I can hope and pray that I can continue to be the best person that I can be and try in my own way to bring change in this world…and I pray that some of you might be inclined to join me in that endeavour. Not with fear, or finger pointing, but by human kindness and some common sense.

These are my thoughts, share yours.

Until next time,

Your Rock Goddess, Tara

 

 

 

 



{April 20, 2016}   Time for a resurrection…

It has been 2 years since I have felt like having something to say. Or that i was worthy of having something to say. I was just coming out of a deep depressive pit that I allowed myself to fall into and I felt like my words were invalid. Not worth anything. Then…a change. A beacon of light as it were. I know that this could seem melodramatic, but it fits.

I met someone…on Facebook. I know, I know that for all the comments that could be said both good and bad about it-it has it’s good points. Rush (that’s his name, really!) came into my life, first as a friend and it has evolved from there. Actually, our relationship is still evolving and if we are lucky-it always will. He was literally a beacon of light for me. when I would start to go into my dark recesses of my brain, there would be a PM asking how was my day was going, or a link to a song he thought I should hear or like and in time it would shift to what are your dreams…what do you want to do with your life? My therapist Corrine had begun giving me the tools to function after my hospitilization for suicidal behaviour, but I wasn’t asked about my dreams. What did I REALLY want to do with my life. I have been a nurse for over half my adult life…I really never thought about it. I was so focused on caring for others both personally and professionally while being the cheerleader, the supportive friend but the one person I should have been supporting-I ignored. That person was ME. Rush made me focus on myself. He gives me love, support, encouragement and non judgemental support to allow me to start exploring other avenues. I am starting to revisit some dreams that I let die, and the creation of some new ones.

So, it is now 2016, Rush will become my husband in September (3rd times a charm!), he is exploring a few dreams of his own and I am supporting him in that all while I am stepping out of the past of my failures and missteps. I have begun my ressurection so that the second half of my life will be fufilling, challenging and ultimately be filled with happiness and satisfaction.

I promise to share more and engage you dear reader into a conversation. Let’s start: What dreams have you put aside that you would want to ressurect of have done so?

Until the next time,

Your Rock Goddess Tara



{September 17, 2014}   To be present in love…

There are a lot of things that could be said about love. Plenty of songs, books and poems are written daily. My question is: what is love? What does it mean? When do you know?

For me, love is multi-faceted. Yes, having the sweeping romantic gestures is wonderful-no denying that. But, some of the most telling declaration of love is being able to be apart in two different areas of the world and still be together. To know that despite distance, the voice on the other end of the phone, on the other side of a Skype conversation or IM online is just as comforting as having them stand beside you. It’s fueled by love and trust. You have to trust your partner, you have to trust the connection you have and continue to build the love you have generated.

Love is reassurance, Love is laughter. Love is being able to open up your soul to someone with the knowledge that it is safe and you are trusted to hold theirs. Love is without judgement, love is acceptance. Love is risk.

We don’t control who we love, and it can be scary but worth it in the end.

Thoughts? Let’s have a discussion.

Until next time,

Your Rock Goddess, Tara



{July 11, 2014}   Things you learn…

Sitting in the dark, watching my patient sleep, the hum of the ventilator the only sound in the room other than the television gives me time to think. I take away a lot from these experiences with each shift when I work with patients sucvh as these.

I learn that there is a person there that is not defined by their illness or disability. They have personalities, emotions, they can express love and displeasure. They aren’t that different than us, they just need a little assistance.

I learn of exactly how fortunate that I am that my two children were born healthy, or didn’t have a life changing injury that would put them in the position of my patients…hell, that could have been me. I think of that fact every time…and I care for them as I would want to be treated or how I would want my loved ones cared for.

So, I sit in the dark, continuing to watch my patient sleep, until the next time I have to work with them to either flush their feeding tube or suction their trach so they can breathe better and will continue to count my blessings…

Until next time,

Your Rock Goddess Tara



{February 17, 2014}   being brave and honest…

I tried to harm myself a few weeks ago…and I got help. Spent a week in the hospital focusing on me and my issues. I will not go into the details, so don’t ask-I will just politely decline to answer.

Back to the blog: Where does being brave come into the picture?

Being brave enough to acknowledge that you are not well and to seek help even with the stigma that having a psychological illness whether it is temporary or chronic carries and you do it anyway-is brave. Being brave enough to face your fears and stare down into the ugliness that is in your life and fight to conquer them by any means necessary-is brave. Being brave enough to realize that you can’t be everything to everyone and to try and please everyone all the time at the expense of yourself and running the risk of alienating them when you say the word “no”-is brave. Being prepared to stand alone and  to possibly be alone for the rest of your life and coming to grips with that fact and being okay with it even though that is the last thing you want in your life-is brave.

I know that I am not the only one who has been where I have been or where I am today. I am adjusting to my new normal-meds, support groups, a therapist and it is kinda slow going but necessary.

I know that there are those who will consider what I almost did a selfish, self-centered act and to a degree I would agree with you. I wasn’t thinking about anything or anyone else at that particular moment and strangely, it felt good. As in my every day existence, all I do is think of others, their needs, wants and desires. I am a nurse 24/7. My caring nature was partially to blame for it all. I took care of everything and everyone around me, but the one person that I should have been caring for the most-I ignored. That is something that I have to work on. I have to be a little selfish my my time and energy-to say “no” a little more often and to love myself without criticism or judgement a little more even when I fail. I just need to get back up, take whatever lesson I was to learn from it and move the hell on and keep going.

Writing this post is brave for me-I am exposed now. Behind my smile and optimistic posts on Facebook was someone who deep down inside was hurting, and too proud to ask for help until a snowy day in January when I almost went to the point of no return.

So, I am ending this blog with this: If you are in pain, get help. There is no shame in it-I learned that, and so can you. Let’s discuss.

Until next time,

Your Rock Goddess, Tara



{December 12, 2013}   An Open Letter To My Children

005This is an open letter to my children Autumn and Dayne.

Hello kids,

This is Mum. I hope that you are doing well this holiday season. I remember when you both were small, the buzz of excitement as we got the tree up and the lights glowing, I even recall once or twice the two of you falling asleep under the tree. Your Dad and I placing the presents around the bottom…even though we didn’t have much during the year, we made sure that Christmas counted for you.

Fast forward a few years, We embarked on a new Normal, We had to contend with your Grandpa Rick passing away 5 days before Christmas one year, Your Dad and I divorcing the next year and even through all those challenges-I worked hard to make Christmas count for you guys.

Fast forward some more to this year. You both are adults now, with lives of your own, You both have made me so proud to be your mother. I know that at times I have failed you as a parent, but it wasn’t for a lack of love…for that I am immeasurably sorry. I want you to know that you two are my greatest achievement in my fractured life…one full of starts and stops and derailed dreams, simple failures in execution or just bad choices. I would change a lot in my life if i could, but there are two things i never would: One was meeting your father Jerry on a train platform on Christmas morning in 1992 and trying to help him find the Christmas parade in Downtown Atlanta after completing my 11p-7a nursing shift at work (the parade was a week earlier-who knew?) and having you two.

So this rambling letter is one part apology and one part expressing my most ardent hopes and wishes for you both.

I wish for both of you to follow your bliss. Chase your dreams fearlessly and don’t give up on them without a fight.
I wish that you both to know and hang on to love with someone who will know how precious a heart you have and would never break it.
I wish for you to be adventurous
I wish for you to be healthy and happy.
Live your life on your terms.

Perhaps next Christmas I can have my two kids in the same room without them wanting to be somewhere else…that would be the one gift that I would want from them-to have my family complete once more. Perhaps we can sit under the light of the tree and can start new traditions and for a moment go back to to how it used to be, even for a moment.

I love you both…Mum



{November 11, 2013}   time’s making changes

Hello there…the song I posted is by the band Tesla and it’s called “Changes” . It is Fall, the leaves are changing on the trees, we are going from warmth to cold, it is getting darker earlier…change is all around us this time of year.

But in the bigger picture, I see lots of change going on around me: I see people falling in love, falling out of love, being betrayed by love and finding hope in love. I see people embarking on their dreams, I see some scaling their lives down but the one thing that is constant in all of that is change. Whether we want to acknowledge it or not, things change-people change. Sometimes it just happens in ways that we don’t want or expect. Change is inevitable, as is birth and death-we die a little each day, Question is: how do we live our lives?

I am in the midst of changing my life. I have been hit with a major case of wanderlust…I am unsettled and I kinda like it. I know that I need to settle on a plan of action to plot the rest of my journey, but I am enjoying the fact that my life is taking a few turns because I know that my journey is evolving-it is changing with each day I am alive…I am getting healthier, I am getting braver, I am learning to say “no”, I am learning that everyone who calls you friend isn’t necessarily so, I am learning who I am and what i want in my life and that is a HUGE change for me because I was the one who was always trying to make sure everyone was taken care of, and that their tears were dried and their heart was soothed all the time I was neglecting mine…and that I cried almost every day, my heart was aching and there wasn’t anyone there to take care of me…but I say that to say this: if I end up alone, so be it. I will be okay-and that way of thinking is a huge change for me as I had this fear of being alone. We as humans are designed to be coupled, but it isn’t worth it if you are hurt and lonely IN the relationship…I had to change what I was willing to accept in a partner in order to change myself.
I have come a LONG way in such a short time, I have been in Richmond almost a year and I am allowing myself to call this place home again, although the desert and the Bay is calling me…who knows, one day I may say “Fuck it” and move to Europe for a while…all in the name of change…I am embracing the changes that have stirred up in me…can you do the same? Don’t fight the changes, embrace them…

What are your thoughts? Share them with me.

Until the next time,

Your Rock Goddess, Tara



{September 30, 2013}   What Is Home?

Hello gang,

Got a question for you…what is home? Better yet, what is YOUR definition of home? Is it a place? Is it who you surround yourself with? A feeling? I have been asking myself this since I have been on vacation.

I spent 4 days in Montana with my soon to be former mother in law (Karen will always be in my heart, never leaving it) and my nieces in my soon to be ex-husband’s home town. I slept in his house, roamed around his town and felt a sense of home while I was there. It was small (Population around 900 people), insulated and connected and it made for a real sense of community. I could have seen myself living there except for the fact that I am too much of a big city urban chick but it is very beautiful there.

The next leg of my journey brought me back to Phoenix which was my home for 6 years. As much as I wanted to leave when I was living here, when I stepped off the plane at Sky Harbor Airport-I felt like I had come home. I traverse the city on Valley Metro buses and the Light Rail without any difficulties-routes came back to me as if I never left. Is this home?  I have been seeing friends that I have missed terribly and it brings a feeling of home to me…makes for a confusing time. 

I am returning back to Richmond, Virginia which I consider my home, but is it really? I don’t have the communal connections like I do in Phoenix but my Mom is there waiting for me, and in her I find hime. Somewhere I am always safe-even when we have issues. I need to find a balance between the two places…guess more travel is in my future!

So, this brings me back to my original question: What constitutes home to you? Let’s discuss…

Until the next time, share your thoughts.

Your Rock Goddess, Tara



{September 11, 2013}   change

Hello gang,

Have any of you noticed how our lives are one big transition? Whether it is deciding what we are going to wear that day, or if we are going to go for that big promotion or even if we are ending a marriage…everything is about change.

I think we as humans have a desire for experiencing something different. Although there are some who like and require the familiarity of a routine (I do sometimes), I just think we are innately hardwired for it. How else do we try new foods? Or go to different locations in the world,? Or add new people into a lives away from the familiarity of our families and our neighborhoods? One word: change.

I like change. It is sometimes necessary for growth for ourselves and sometimes others. Where to begin? Just close your, say a prayer, close your eyes, take a breath and jump. Even if it is something as simple as trying a piece of sushi…going for the unfamiliar. What are you afraid of? Go for something new.

It doesn’t even have to be about personal change. You can try to influence your community. When Rosa parks decided to keep her seat after a long day at work, she decided unwittingly to inspire change. When Mildred and Richard Loving decided to fight to be married and live wherever they chose to, it wasn’t just about them, they wanted change for everyone. When the riots broke out at The Stonewall Inn in 1969 to fight for the right to be a gay person and to be able to assemble wherever and with whomever they chose without fear of harassment by the police- they needed a change and they knew it was bigger than them. There are countless more examples, some are as close as your front door and aren’t nearly as dramatic, but it does not lessen their importance to you in your life.

The bottom line: change begins with you, and with me. What are we going to do with it?

Until the next time…share your thoughts with me here.

Your Rock Goddess, Tara



et cetera